PULL MY FINGER - jan. 2000
Shannon Michele Johnston

Y2K COMPLAINT

     The new year thingy has had me pretty concerned. When I think of the puter geeks of Silicon Valley that sold their posh homes to move to the country in anticipation of the new year, I start to slobber.
     I did not stock up, I did not buy the Y2K survival manual, I did not repent, I did not prepare! Period. I did not bat an eye other than thinking that my direct program format may not be compliant, so I hired in a tech and he fixed it.
     Funny how I have not thought of anything else for about three months. The year 2000, (WOW) breathes down my neck and I think that it is a good thing that I learned how to hunt, gut and cook wild meat over an open fire, and do all of this with a slingshot, sharp stick, flint and stone.
     But I have moved out of the woods, and into the city and I am thinking that there are plenty of dogs, cats and rodents to eat if it becomes necessary to do so. (I don't eat gerbils)
     I am afraid to say to people "Happy New Year!" For the few times I have they looked at me funny. So now I just say instead, "fuck off"! I don't really give a fuck about their New Year anyway.
     And although I did not prepare for the Y2K thing, I did set up a few resolutions, and this is what they are:

1. I resolve to take no shit ever again from anyone---ever!
2. I will never pay my registration again.
3. I will start feeding my husband REALLY fattening, unhealthy food in hopes he will have a heart attack and die.
4. I will tell people what I think of them instead of smiling and trying to be nice.
5. I WILL beat the shit out of my neighbor because she is a rotten, gossiping bitch and I she looks like her fucking dog.
6. I will stop being phony.
7. I will tell all the editors I know how bad their shit stinks when I think it does.
8. I will tell all the men that make passes at me that I know they want to fuck me, but I wouldn't fuck them if my life depended on it, instead of acting flattered. (Oh, that goes with #6)
9. I will order myself a "Binford" vibrator for I will never be sexually frustrated again.
10. I am going to find me a good woman (because personally, I don't trust people with dicks).

Shannon Michele Johnston

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