Dolomite's Ranting
jan. 2000
Merry Christmas to all, even those of you who still believe the Tooth
Fairy brings you those presents that you find under your bed. Wait a sec.
Damn eggnog! Damn rum cake! Damn green and red vodka balls. Damn expired
beer! Damn ex-girlfriend that caused all of this heavy alcohol to flood my
liver, as well as all of the other organs in which the alcohol is waiting in
so that it can eventually enter the now dead liver. In case any of you are
new to this part of this magazine, Dolomite is now really drunk and full of
angst that must be expressed in a fit of words.
I am sure that most of you out there got something what you wanted for
Christmas. I am even more sure that most of you looked at light
decorations on other houses and felt good that you saw them, but didn't have
anything to do with the putting up and taking down of the lights. I am sure
that most of you ate Christmas cookies and thought that they tasted good and
the holiday season was a season of joy and peace for mankind. If you
answered yes to all of these, then fuck you with a rusty hammer! Call me a
Scrooge or a Grinch, but I am starting to hate this holiday. I hate the
false and temporary joy that is thought to be required for it. I hate the
idea of the commercialization of it. I hate the people that were a dress
that makes their fat ass look like a real fucking tree! And to top all of
this hate and dislike, I am depressed to no avail. Now, despite the
depression and alcohol, I will try to not become whinier than normal. I just
believe that Christmas was bought out long ago by Hallmark and the toy
companies. Here is my story:
It was a few days before Christmas. I recently broken up with the woman I love. Because of this love, I have nearly ruined a highly treasured
friendship. And worst of all, we broke up before I had the chance to do a
bunch of the freaky sex that I could have had! So, to wallow in my
depression, I went to a place where I can feel better about myself. I went
to the mall. Unfortunately, I forgot that it was going to be stock full of
angry people trying to get those bargains. I realized this about four miles
away from the mall as I meet the end of the turning lane to get into the
mall! I only live three miles from the mall! This was at eight in the
morning. The day was not beginning well.
Now, I am depressed at this point. If I was feeling good, or at least
normal, I would have grabbed the one thing I own that is used just as it is
named: The Club. I know it was meant as a car theft deterrent, but I prefer
it as a blunt weapon. I would go about bashing people as though the hometown
pro team just won its championship. Instead, I sat in my car and sulked as I
saw a three-legged dog passing me on the sidewalk while slipping constantly.
As many know, when depressed, anger hardly exists. Anger is changed into
more depression. I thought of just turning onto the sidewalk and ram it
through enough houses to make the fucker explode. Just as I was about to
execute this maniacal move, I saw an empty driveway coming up as the traffic
slowly inched forward. I was soon two driveways away. Then, thirty minutes
later, I pulled into the driveway. Then I walked to the mall. It was then
that it snowed. And snowed. And snowed some more.
I get to the mall an hour after I started walking. By now it was nearly
ten o'clock. The mall was packed beyond belief. And here I am, Dolo the
Shivering Snowman, dripping clumps of snow all over the place. Needless to
say, many people became angry as I made their nice warm clothes wet and cold
as I tried to get through the crowds. I came here to feel better about
myself. Instead, I just happened to become one of many sardines in the can
of greedy business. Damn greedy people. As the last of the snow dripped off, I made it to my destination: the video
arcade. As I turn the corner, I become worried. There is a line out the
door. "Damn thing must be packed," I thought. Little did I know, for as I
came closer, I noticed a few of the regular people that I saw hanging out in
the arcade. Usually, they spend their time inside, beating novices at games
and spending hours of gameplay on a single quarter. But they were outside,
sitting on a bench with an angry look on their face. "What's up guys? Why
aren't you guys in their kicking some little punks ass?"
"Some PC bitch has taken over the arcade and is holding an anti-Christian
Christmas meeting," spoke Jimmy, the thirty year old veteran and the wise
sage of the group.
"Yeah, that little cunt is the manager's girl or something. She is just
using him to use the space to speak about some shit about the discriminating
effects of Christmas on our multicultural society. The little fucker is
whipped beyond all belief," said Billy. The boy has a mouth like a sailor,
but the quickest reflexes I have ever seen
.
"So she is using the space of the arcade to hold a rally, right?" I
asked, to make sure I had this right.
"Yeah, pretty much," they all replied, except Jacob. Jacob is kind of
silent and retarded, but all gamer once the lights start to flash. It is
said that he is no longer allowed in any video game tournament.
"The whore is going down!" I yelled. I then marched into the arcade,
past to women that could have been mistaken for water buffalo, and up to the
podium. I politely asked where the leader was. I received no answer. I
politely yelled where the leader was. Still no answer. As I looked around,
I noticed Tekken 2 in the corner. One of my all time favorites, I simply
head over to it. I notice that it is unplugged. I plug it in, pop in two
quarters, and prepare to play. Halfway through the first fight, I notice the
room has gone silent. Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. Out of habit, I
muttered, "yeah sure, you can hop in at anytime." I heard a small laugh,
then the screen went blank. Puzzled, I looked around. There, a few feet
away from me stood the woman who had done this horrible act, still with the
cord in her hands. I asked her why she had done that. "Because I could, and
because I am holding a seminar here to help those that have been
discriminated by Christmas and you are distracting them," said the blonde
bitch in a haughty tone. I could almost see the end of that pole sticking
out of her ass. I asked to see the manager. She said she was. I asked
where her uniform was. Then I was thrown out onto the floor outside by the
two water buffalo. Jimmy helped me up while Billy swore at the two tons of
flesh that had just thrown me twelve feet.
"That fucking whore! How dare she take away the arcade! That bitch is
going down."
"Dude man, we can't do jack with those two gigantic she-male bouncers
there."
"Billy, Jimmy, Jacob, I have a plan. Just give me a few minutes." A few
minutes later I returned, with four gallons of Rocky Road ice cream from the
nearby Basket Robbins. I placed three in the hallway, about ten feet outside
the door. I also took out about ten boxes of Unisol. I quickly handed them
out, and we all crushed them up and put them in the ice cream. The remaining
gallon was taken with me inside. By the time I was a few feet away from the
behemoths, they both turned on me. I dropped the tub, spilling half of it on
my pants. I ran for it as they bellowed and rolled after me. I dove for the
door, went into a roll, and finally jumped as far away as possible. The two
fat bitches still followed me on full steam. Quickly, out of nowhere, Jacob
yells, "It's your pants. Take them off and throw them toward the rest of the
Rocky Road. Like many times with my ex, I managed to jump and remove my
pants within seconds, ran for the pile, and dropped them by the pile. Then I
kept running and hid behind the wicker stand in the hall with the other
regulars. Like two hogs coming to the trough, the two "women" went after the
ice cream headfirst and finished it within seconds. After a minute or two,
they walked back to their seminar. "What the hell happened?" asked Jimmy.
"I don't know," I answered, "there was enough there to kill four elephants."
Then, as though it only had to be asked, the two females fell over like their
ancestral mammoths. Now, it was time for the second phase of my plan.
"Now what do we do?" Billy pondered outloud. That was when I remembered
that I had not told them the entire plan.
"Remember the Vikings of old? Remember what they did in battle? They
would charge and take the leader's head. That is what we shall do!" I
managed with pride at the ingenuity of the plan. Then, as though we all
knew, each of us grabbed a wicker broom and ran for the arcade. We had no
resistance on our way to the stage. We made it there and surrounded the
blonde bitch. Then, as though she realized the game was over, she ran for
it. Slowly the others disappated, as though a spell was broken. The real
manager came out and tried to act as though he had just gotten back from a
break. That bastard was stripped of his clothing, thrown out of the arcade,
and we spent the next two hours playing our favorite games. Then the cops
came and arrested us for disturbing the peace, assault, and loitering. So,
as I look out my prison window, I have only one thing to say to you before my
roommate gets in the mood again: I hope you choke on that fruitcake! Dolomite
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